Life really throws things at you that just stinks! I received a phone call from my OBGYN on a Tuesday night. When I saw his name come up on the caller ID, I knew something was wrong. He told me that my second trimester blood screening came back with high AFP levels which indicate that our little boy is positive for trisomy 18, which is not compatible with life, or it indicates an open neural tube defect. After some four letter words from both me and my doctor, he told me to call Magella for an appointment with the genetic counselor and an ultrasound with possible amniocentesis. This is exactly what happened to Angel, except he was tentatively positive for trisomy 21. So the next day I called Magella, but their earliest appointment was not for another three days. I had an appointment with my OBGYN's nurse practitioner for that day, Wednesday. I was petrified, anxious and feeling sick. We went over my results with the NP. I was crying, it sounded bad, really bad. She said to me to not think the worst, because it old be a false negative. But I prayed for a false negative once before, and it did not happen. I was just praying for a heart beat. I could handle anything, I just wanted to see a heart beat. I laid down for the ultrasound. She spent too long in silent just looking. It was taking too long and I started to cry. Her silence was deafening. I asked her if she saw anything, she said she wanted to keep looking. She was using the ultrasound wand to tap on my abdomen, like she was trying to wake him up. She finally said the words no mom ever wants to hear, especially for the second time "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat". She went to call my OBGYN, and just like I did when I found out about Angel, I rolled over on my side, buried my head in Paul's chest and cried like I had never cried before. Why the hell did this have to happen again?!
When the NP came back in, I told her I cannot deliver another dead baby, I wanted to do whatever it took to avoid doing that again. She said she wanted to take Austin's measurements to see how big he was, if he is small enough, I might be able to have a D and E, which is a surgery to remove the baby. She measured him. I am 18 weeks, he was measuring 14-15 weeks. She told me she would give all of this information to my OB and he will call me this afternoon with what he thought was going to be my best option. We drove home. My mom was with Ashley, we told my mom. Paul's parents were picking up Allison from preschool. My mom and I cried. Paul and I were together when my mom left. His parents came in, we told them,they cried. Andrew came home from school. Paul and I took the big kids into the backyard and told them that Austin wasn't going to be coming home with us like we thought, instead he was going to go play with Angel up in Heaven. Andrew started to cry instantly and was mad. He had planned where Austin's crib was going o go in his room, he was so excited to have a baby brother to play with. Paul and I were crying as we answered their difficult questions. Andrew told me that I was doing everything I was supposed to do when Austin was in my tummy. "Mommy you didn't drink soda, you didn't eat sugary foods, why did he have to die?" He asked us with tears in his big blue eyes. Allison was sad but really wanted to leave the conversation, she went in the house, and Paul held Andrew like an infant, rocked him and let him cry. And they both cried.
I talked to my doctor that afternoon. He told me he recommended that I have a D and E.
the next day I went to my surgeon. He had to do a small procedure on me to dilate my cervix to prepare me for surgery the next day, Friday.
After we lost Angel, I met an amazing group of girlfriends through our support group. One of them happens to be an anesthesiologist and agreed to do my surgery for me. This brought such comfort to me, as my greatest fear is not waking up from surgery because I am simply too brokenhearted.
Friday rolled around... we were admitted, I was put to sleep, they took my boy, I woke up, we went home... empty handed.
My friend arranged to have the fetal demise team get a hand print of Austin for me, for this I am eternally grateful.
I try to find the reasons why these things happen, not only once, but twice. I try to think of how I am going to deal with this again. I try to blame someone, but can't. I try to convince myself to get pregnant quickly again and pretend this didn't happen. I try to put a smile on my face. I try to stay strong. I try to have hope.
Saturday my amazing girlfriends come over to my house to listen to me cry an ugly cry and just let it all out. They have all been through this, they have all been through it with me the first time. THEY GET IT, and they are who I need. I have been craving their presence since I was told there was no heartbeat. All I wanted was to be surrounded by them and their love. And they came through.
My heart is broken, again. I feel cheated. I just want my baby boy.
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