Thursday, April 14, 2011
Negative nelly
I was running a few weeks ago and pushing Allison in the stroller and some homeless lady yelled at me "ya know anyone can have a baby!" REALLY? Why did you have to say that exact comment to ME??? Our baby DID NOT have Down's Syndrome. The chromosomes grew normal from Angel and from my placenta. Dr. Illeck suggested doing blood work on me to determine if I have a clotting problem. I did the test and it was negative. A lady at work was talking to me about a fellow nurse who is pregnant. She explained that she is going to start telling people because she is past the "miscarriage phase" of pregnancy. I BIT my tongue not to say, "well did you know babies can die at any point during the pregnancy and even sometimes shortly after they are born?" If I chose to have another baby, will I be able to love him or her for who they are, or will I be secretly wishing it is Angel in my tummy, not the new life? In a quiet moment of the day, will it ever be possible to think about something besides the hell I went through in February? Will I ever be that happy person I used to be?
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Dear Shannon: I see in you, strength personified. All of the experiences of your life, positive and negative, meld together to create you. You suffered a great loss that will always be a part of that life experience. The goal is to transform the hurt and anger into positive energy. I am sure that Our Angel would want his Mommy to always remember him...to have a special spot in your heart that never, ever is forgotten. At the same time, he would want you to live your life with joy. All the roles in your life will require strength and resilience. That source of strength and resilience is replenished by the joy attained when you love yourself and your life. If the religous scholars and all the books of 'wisdom' are correct, there is a HEAVEN...and Angel is there. When God calls you home, he will be waiting for you and will look forward to going for runs with his Mommy. I imagine that I will make it to heaven and you know that his GrammaDuck will give him oodles of love until you come. In the meantime, I think our greatest tribute to his all too brief life is that we be happy as mothers, wives and women. I know that is what will make all those sunsets beautiful. I love you...Always and Forever. Mom xo
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